dissect me, cut me into pieces, you'll find nothing.
Saturday, November 03, 2012 1:15 AM
I feel numb all the time. the feeling.... it sucks tenfold of being sad. I dont exactly know why I feel this way yet at the same time I think it's an undefined anger I have towards my sisters. no i love them and i dont hate them though we fight a lot and they dont know this i bet. unless it's my younger sister. my older sister just enjoys picking a fight with me. She is very immature. it seems as though she's 18 going on 13!
i feel like i am about to cry but nothing comes out.
nothing.
I dont know what to feel, i dont know what to do. i just feel like throwing forks at their throats.
my parents havent been themselves lately. they get angry at everything and anything so easily.
it's stressful being my dad's daughter. lol yes i said it. it's stressful being a daughter of this household. I dont understand why my dad cant ever ask nicely. i mean i understand that youre frustrated over work and all but please, when you call me could you speak to me nicely?
1) I cant hear you well because the line keeps breaking i dont think it's me that is having low connection because no im not in a tunnel nor am i in a lift.
2) I dont understand what's going on could you explain to me your purpose of calling me and tell me what had happened that made you call me because you never call me, ever to ask of my whereabouts or whatsoever unless you have a clear purpose.
really, i dont get why you got to be so cranky all the time. Truthfully, I
fear my dad. no, not like the fear you have for your dad okay, i cant even freaking crack a joke with him i wouldnt even open my mouth and speak to him. I
envy all the friends i have out there, who can actually start a conversation with their dads.
then my mum comes along and gives you added stress as a child of the household. MEH. I understand how tough it is on her; how she covers up for us for the minor mistakes we make. then after each scolding we all go through she will also go through it and she rants at us for getting her scolded because we're not up to standards and stuff like that. but well.... after all, we still are kids. we want to do things beyond our limits and we should be given the chance to....
And to be quite honest. I agree to what my sister said. I hate how my parents love to compare us to others. everyone hates it but. they have never... compared us to anyone else for the good things we do. i mean yes, we dont want to be boasting at the expense of humiliating others or making them feel lousy or something but i honestly believe that we arent such bad children. like to be honest... My sister told me that instead of comparing us to our cousins who are way better than us, why not compare us and acknowledge the good points about us? why do we always be the negative ones of the comparisons? it's unfair. you'd say life is unfair but once in a while things got to be fair too.
at least give us the luxury of making us feel like we're good kids to you.
I have the greatest bunch of friends ever. the best best friends. i want to tell them my problems, i want to tell them what goes on. i want to be ranting at them because i want someone to listen to me. but at the same time, i dont want to. I feel really really bad. especially since... well... i just know that they have far bigger problems than i do. and i dont want to burden them. i dont want anyone to go down with me...
after all of this... i still feel empty and numb. yup. i still dont know what to do. dissect me, cut me into pieces, you'll find nothing. I still got no tears. I havent spoken a word to anyone for the past three hours. (yes it sounds awfully normal cause it's late at night but my sisters are awake so it isnt). But yeah. i guess that's it. im an iceberg, a floating glacier that needs to be broken down.
Guess who's the reason why?
Thursday, September 06, 2012 10:50 PM
My parents are fighting. Umm...
Nabilah, why?
The most intense run in my life.
Sunday, August 26, 2012 2:49 AM
Hi. I feel like crap right now. I want to go for a run right now. To stop myself from crying. Haha. It sounds so stupid but why am I so afraid of people? So afraid of rejection. Looked up by so many, telling me I'm the only one they ever knew for being able to stay unbroken even when something isn't right. Well truth is... You obviously dont know who am i. You dont know me at all....
And truth is. I have such a confused heart. I dont know what to feel anymore. I'm so numb to anything and everything and I wonder when it'll stop. So many problems to think of solutions to at this age. What will happen later then? What other problems will I face? Will I be so much more numb that I end up just.... Really what would I feel? UGH.
In all truth.
Tuesday, August 07, 2012 3:13 PM
Right after we got the news we were moving out to the other side of thw country.. I could literally feel my life shatter a moment there..
I could honestly feel. No I didnt feel anything. I just didnt want to and– yeah yeah I know i'm dwelling.on it but. It started there and then when I had to transfer schools. You know I dont feel comfortable around everyone and i'm not exactly comfortable being with everyone now but yes I thank God for bringing me to these people. Right so.. From there and then I didnt feel the will to study anymore. I just didnt want to learn in a different environment. I dont entirely blame the environment. Correction: I dont blame the environment around me being different. It's entirely my fault I can't adapt well and quick enough before the two years come to an end. Oh well.... How time flies and regret and guilt keep filling your conscience.
I've been working doubly hard for Math. But I got to admit. My other subjects are left on the shelves till dust wrap around them. I could care less if I actually had confidence in them. I dont have any confidence for myself; what more confidence in myself.
We're an unknown species.
Saturday, July 21, 2012 10:22 PM
I have a really gorgeous sister. She is my best friend too! To you people who really dislike your siblings or don't find time to actually spend time with them... Well you should start spending time with them.
Your siblings are the first friends you'd ever have. (Unless you're a single child then of course it's different).
It's really a great thing, a gift from God and a blessing to have siblings. Even though I always wanted a brother... I'm thankful for having such a pretty little sister who is nice– even if not all the time– to me. It's really a waste that I have never been close to my baby sister since forever. It was only when she was 12 and I was 14 when we started to be close. It all started when... I started to go to her games and support her throughout and I knew I had been a little of a bully to her at home. She's a great girl okay. Despite her looking like the tough cookie and the cheerful girl you see... She's really sensitive. I am not kidding. Haha.
Okay so the main point is... To love your siblings. Never feel like they're a pain in the neck even though they can really be bothersome. Love them with all your heart and be amazed at how God has given your family and you, one of the greatest gifts of all.
Goodnight kids, xx.
